What Latino Parents Don’t Say About Sex Can Shape What Kids Tolerate Later
Marianismo, mixed messages, and the missing conversations that can shape who we date and what we excuse.
In many Latino families, discussions about sex and relationships are still taboo. Young people often grow up discovering their sexuality on their own, with very little access to sexual education beyond the internet. Even more, when parents do talk about sex, it’s often related to potential negative consequences rather than establishing healthy relationships, developing communication skills, and understanding pleasure.
This lack of communication between Latino parents and their kids may have established a greater gap than we can imagine. Having open conversations about sex not only provides children with knowledge but also helps them make better partner choices, establish boundaries, and even feel safe when speaking about sexual or intimate partner violence.
However, a study indicates that Latinas still experience higher levels of psychological and physical abuse and violence than other demographics. The report showed that 23.4% of Latinas will experience intimate partner violence in their lifetime, with 48% reporting that intimate partner violence (IPV) increased after immigrating to the United States.
So, where does it all start? How do we change it?
A good place to start would be en la casa.
The first step Latino parents can take is to eliminate marianismo
You’ve surely heard of machismo, but are you familiar with marianismo? This cultural framework has long shaped expectations of Latina womanhood and femininity. Within this ideology, the “ideal” woman is nurturing, family-oriented, religious, submissive, and, most importantly, sexually modest. Under this idea, desire is not something that a woman should explore openly. On the contrary, it should be regulated, contained, and silenced.
While marianismo primarily affects women, it also affects men, generating the idea that the “right” woman must adhere to these principles, and anyone who steps outside of them is considered “impure.” Research shows that marianismo “influences attitudes about, experiences of, and responses to intimate partner violence” among Latinas, showing that those who were raised under these ideals often faced higher rates of IPV and experienced greater psychological distress.
By eliminating marianismo from the equation and establishing households where children, regardless of their gender, can feel comfortable speaking about sex and desire without retaliation, we take a first step toward helping them shape healthy relationships in their future.
Establishing positive communication patterns
It’s time to open communication channels when it comes to relationships and sex. Yes, we understand that communication isn’t going to suddenly make all relationships healthier, and there are bigger generational fish to fry. Still, it’s the first step to breaking a pattern that isn’t serving our community.
When young people are given the space to talk openly about sex and relationships, they’re not just receiving information; they’re learning their voice matters. They are also learning that communication can help them establish boundaries, solve problems, and resolve disagreements with words rather than violence.
Starting is the hardest part, but it can be done progressively. Latina sexologist Rebecca Alvarez-Story, founder of Bloomi, shared some tips with mitú on how to speak to conservative parents about sexual wellness.
“The best way to become more comfortable with sex conversations in general is to have lots of small, casual discussions over time instead of one big awkward talk (the way that many of us assume it has to be),” she says. “Second, is to start finding/building a community of like-minded and/or open-minded people (who are supportive of you) over time. This type of network is especially helpful as you navigate new relationship structures and sexual experiences.”
Identifying the red flags
Many Latino parents, particularly mothers, may find it difficult to discuss relationships and sexual wellness due to their own experiences. As we mentioned above, Latinas face some of the highest rates of IPV and often the greatest barriers to leaving abusive partners, which can include socio-economic and mental health barriers.
In Inter-Generational Transmission of Violence in Latino Families: The Role of Mothers in Navigating the Cycle of Abuse, Zarah Zurita Quiroga states that “Mothers and children love and fear their abusers simultaneously, therefore, leaving can be healthy and painful. Children become a predominant source of resilience for mothers to heal from intimate partner violence.”
While these experiences may be painful to share or discuss, they can also become the foundation for helping future generations of Latinos identify red flags in their relationships and create positive, healthy bonds.
Some ways to help teens identify red flags and establish healthier relationships include:
Giving direct rather than indirect advice. Instead of saying things like “be careful” or “respect yourself,” explicitly define healthy vs. unhealthy behaviors. Name things to avoid, like controlling behaviors, jealousy, and pressure.
Invite open conversations about unacceptable behaviors from peers, friends, and even family members.
Encourage your child, regardless of gender, to prioritize mental peace over the idea of “fixing” a partner or suffering in silence.
Build trust through open dialogue, and ask them how they would like to feel in a relationship or what they would like their relationships to look like.
Transforming shame into strength
A new wave of healthy relationships in our community is possible—we just have to start from the root. While there is much more to relationships than upbringing, Latino parents can start early in teaching their children what they should strive for in the future, and most of all, that no matter what happens, their support system will be there.
It’s time to transform shame into strength and empowerment on these topics, and now more than ever, we have the tools to make it happen.
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